Red Out 

Yet another reason for morons to move to Idaho

"So, Cope, tells me about this 'Merican Redapt."

"Red! Where you been?"

"The GOPPA Tour. Where ya' think?"

"The GOPPA Tour?"

Yup. The Grand Ol' Party Pres'dential 'Nnouncement Tour. It's where every few days, ya get to go watch another feller announce how he's runnin' f'r pres'dent. It's like that Threeforks music hootin'Annie what they put on over in Boise, 'ceptin' it's all speeches instead o' music, and it's spread out on totally diff'ernt days to totally diff'ernt cities all o'er the country."

"Uh-huh, sounds just like Treefort."

"First one up was Ted Cruz. Ain't that ol' boy a crackerjack, huh? Then I saw Doc Carson and Randy Paul and Mark O'Rubio. I saw that Carl Fiorina feller, and Mike Huckable. I skipped going to see some feller name o' Jerry Pataski 'cause I ain't never heard of him, but I was there sweatin' like a pig along wit' ol' Rick Perry. Then I went o'er t Looseranna to see Bobby Jindal but it turned out he hadn't made up his mind yet. And then I saw Ricky Santitarium... "

"Did you see Trump?"

"Hold y'r horses, Cope! I'm savin' the best f'r last. And I saw Jeb Bush, only I dozed off an' missed most o' his speech, and I didn't see Lindy Graham acause I ended up goin' t' the wrong Carolina, then on my way to News York City, I stopped by New Jersey to see Chris Crisco, but it turned out he ain't made up his mind yet neither... and then I went an' saw ol' Donal' Trump."

"And that was the best?"

"I made fi'ty bucks off'n it, Cope. No kiddin'! On the way out, some feller hands me a fi'ty-dollar bill!"

"I heard about that. How Trump brought in paid actors to inflate his crowd."

"Naaaaa! He wouldn't o' done that. He's 'bout the most pop'lar feller in News York City. I heard 'im say so. So why'd he have t' hire people to come see 'im?"

"Maybe, because everyone but Trump understands what a repulsive asshole he is."

"Watch y'r mout', Cope. Y'r talkin' 'bout the next Pres'dent of the U. S. and A. Besides, that ain't whys I come over. I wants t' hear more about this 'Merican Redapt what you were talkin' 'bout a couple weeks back."

"Ah, Jeez, Red. I don't want to get into that with you. You know how you get every time you hear about some bunch of rat-shit crazy right wingers who've decided North Idaho is a good place to sit out the Apocalypse."

"What you talkin' 'bout, Cope? Hows I get, 'ccordin' t' you?"

"Like when some warlord wannabes announced they were going to build that citadel place close to St. Maries? You were all ready to pick up and go, just because you heard they would keep out liberals. And then what about the time that beefy blowhard Bo Gritz was starting Almost Heaven outside of Kamiah? You even put some money on a lot."

"'Tweren't much. I only signed up f'r four hun'ert square feet. Jus' enough land t' park m' camper on."

"But you didn't have a camper. You spent the money on your lot that you were going to buy an RV with."

"Yeah, but I still own four-hun'ert square feet ouside o' Kamiah don' I? Now where 'zac'ly is this 'Merican Redapt place? I'm betting it's up there around Curd Allen Lake somewheres. That way, they could barr'cade the freeway when it comes time t' hunker down an' keep the rape gangs out."

"Rape gangs? That's what you're worried about?"

"Shoot, Cope! Y' ever see a movie 'bout the collapsizing o' civ'lization what didn't have rape gangs?"

"Red, first of all, it's not the American Redapt. It's the American Redoubt. Like a fall-back position when all else fails. And of course, these are the kind of people who are convinced everything else already has failed. Or, at the least, they're convinced they can make money convincing stupid people it all will fail. So they're encouraging the most feeble-minded, frightened, paranoid misfits in America to flock to the Intermountain Northwest and take over the entire area. Politically, culturally... you name it."

"Sounds like a gull-durn good plan. Hows come I ain't heard 'bout it b'fore?"

"Don't know, Red. I hadn't heard about it myself until a few weeks ago. But then, I'm not a fundamentalist gun-nut xenophobic idiot who spends his time searching through the Internet for places where he might be able to live off the land like a parasite, keep his kids as ignorant as he is with homeschooling, and where there aren't hardly any minorities."

"There ya' go again, Cope. Why's it always have t' be about them dang minorities? Why cain't it jus' be about folks who want t' be wit' their own kind?"

Unfortunately, we must leave this discussion for the time being. Since Red rattled on so incessantly about the GOPPA Tour, I have run out of room. But I assure you, there is more to be said about the American Redoubt.

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