Seeing Red 

I want that bum off my land!!!

"Red? Hey, can we talk?"

"Whatchoo doin' here, Cope? I dint think they let people like you in Melba."

"Well, since I didn't tell anyone I was a person like me, and since, so far, nobody's asked what kind of person I am, I think maybe I've gotten away with it."


"No, really. Can we get a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a slice of pie? You still like pie, don't you?"

"Wull Cope, it all depends on who I's eating it wit'. An' I ain't sure the best gull-durned pie in the world will taste very gull-durned good if'n I was eating it wit' the gull-durned feller what done fired me!"

"Uh. that's sorta what I wanted to talk to you about. See, Badger Bob... you remember him, I'm sure... well, he seems to think I should let you back in the column. I thought maybe we could talk about that. If you're not too busy, that is."

"Wull let me tell you somethin', feller. I's as busy as what you'll ever be. I's arunnin' for gurvner, or ain't you heard?"

"Yeah, actually, I did hear. So how's that going."

"I's already got 13... maybe 14 fellers what says they're agonna vote f'r me. An' another thing, I's putting together a gang o' I-dee-ho fellers what's going down t' Nevader an' sticking up for that Ted Bundy feller's right to not have t' pay them grassing fees he ain't already been payin' f'r 20 years. I calls us the 'I-dee-ho Posse Riot.' You know, like after them Roosky gals what's fightin' Obamacare over there in Ukrimia."

"I think you mean 'Cliven.'"

"Wrong again, Cope. I's purdy sure it's 'Ukrimia.'"

"No, I mean... oh, the hell with it. Red, the thing is, that big standoff between that Bundy asshole and the Feds is over. All the hillbillies have gone home to wherever they park their trailers and all the excitement is over with. At least, until the next excuse comes up to go strutting around like ignorant pissants with their guns hanging out."

"Who's you callin' 'A-hole?' Ol' Ted is the kind o' pay-trat we needs more o' in this country!"

"Red, your hero Bundy is nothing but a swaggering slab of sphincter meat. I grew up with blowhards like him, always trying to pass off a big mouth and a stupid cowboy hat for brains.

"You know something?... there are more than 22,000 public lands ranchers in this country, and damn near all of them manage to pay the rent they owe on the land they make their livings off of. But here comes this Bundy gypo, deciding that the land you and I and our children own should be his to do any damn thing he wants with. Then you can always count on a herd of grungy, publicity-sucking slugs to come oozing out from under flat rocks all over the West, looking for any reason they can to show off their ARs and pretend they aren't the most pathetic losers in the country."

"Them slug losers are all what's standin' 'twixt the U.S. of A. and total tyrannicalism from your pal Henry Reid's sturm troopers in the MLB."

"That's B-L-M, Red. It's the Bureau of Land Management, not Major League Baseball. And they aren't Reid's storm troopers anymore than they were Harry Truman's storm troopers back when the agency was founded. They're just people whose job it is to see that public lands are managed to the benefit of the entire country, including the flora and fauna that lives on it, not just some squatter who thinks he can hide his scam by drumming up phony outrage."


"Squatter! If he and his clan had taken over a city park or a public housing complex, they'd have been tear-gassed out and the dunces on Fox News would have said it was about time somebody stood up to those welfare cheats.

"But no, this bum gets a sweetheart deal on a hunk of delicate desert, skips out on 20 years of payments, and douche-wads like Hannity make him out as another Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys. I am so sick and tired of the scummiest, dumbest, trashiest handful of malcontents holding this country down, I could just..."

"Hold on there, Cope. Them what you callin' scumzy malcomtempts are standin' up f'r libraty. Lib-raty, Cope! You believe in libraty, don'cha?"

"Bullcrap! Liberty to do what?... rip the rest of us off? Besides, it's not liberty those creeps stand for. All they represent is intimidation and brute force. The only thing that separates some of them from Timothy McVeigh is enough money to rent a truck."

"Is you saying what I's think y'r saying, Cope?

"If you think I'm saying those hillbillies are terrorists, and that they pose more risk to America than all the Jihadists put together, and that, in fact, they are to America exactly what the Taliban and Al Qaeda are to the Muslim world, and that if any violence happens because these deluded psychos think they can take on law enforcement, Sean Hannity should be charged with conspiracy to incite a riot and tried for aiding and abetting criminal behavior... then. yes. That is precisely what I'm saying."

"Uuuuuh, I meant that part about maybe you wanting me to come back to y'r column."

To be continued. Probably.

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