The Doughboys 

The world of class warcraft

Can't remember who I heard say it last, how those damn Democrats are stirring up a class war on the poor rich. Might have been Karl Rove. He's the sort that worries a lot about class war. Might have been Sarah Palin. She talks so much, surely there was something about it in all that gibberish.

Doesn't much matter who brought it up, I guess. Beck, O'Reilly, gassy Mitch McConnell or that oily John Boehner. They are outraged that President Barack Obama might let the Bush tax cuts expire on the top 2 percenters. To them, that would be proof that the prez and his party are intent on going shock-and-awe on sad, picked-on rich people.

I thought before this breaks out into full-scale carnage, maybe we ought to take a closer look at how class warfare works. Seems like I've been hearing about it all my life. A Democrat can hardly acknowledge there are super-wealthy people without somebody hollering about a class war breaking out. So a more thorough understanding is in order, yes? Following is the model of a classic class war, as waged every day, every minute, in America, whether or not we're paying attention.

A Democrat usually fires the first volley, snarling something to the effect of, "Hey, have you ever noticed the rich keep getting richer?"

Reeling from such a vicious onslaught, the rich have no choice but to defend themselves. With a meager defense force made up of little more than the upper management and the boards of directors of all the largest corporations and companies in the nation, along with those summer seaside dwellers who come from families that have controlled America's economy for generation after generation, along with the political underlings in high office whose very existence depends on generous helpings of quid pro quo, they respond in the only way available to them: by busting another union, by down-sizing another industry or by sending another assembly plant to a Third World country.

Who can blame the wounded, the scarred victims? They were attacked! How can the vile Democrat justify mentioning such a pitiable condition as getting richer?

But the villain isn't through. Exploiting the collateral circumstance that there are ever-fewer well-paid blue-collar jobs left, the Democrat unleashes another fusillade: "And hey, have you noticed the poor keep getting poorer?"

My God! Has this monster no decency!?

The beleaguered rich have no recourse but to raise interest rates on credit cards to usury levels, to beef up their trust funds by tacking extravagant charges and conditions on already over-priced services, to manipulate the energy markets so that record-breaking profits can be used to buy political influence that might--some day in a brighter, more hopeful future--eliminate such atrocities as OSHA, the Environmental Protection Agency, Social Security and the minimum wage.

These acts of defiance launch the inhuman Democrats into a banzai frenzy. "Hey," the beasts roar with rage, "there's indisputable evidence that wealth is draining out of the middle-class and pouring into the top 5 percent at an astounding and accelerating rate!"

Clearly, if that sort of take-no-prisoners tactic is allowed to continue unanswered, the execrable Democrats might incite the entire middle class into doing something desperate. Who knows? They might even reject the whole culture of over-consumption, which would leave the rich with little more than their off-shore accounts, their dense investment portfolios and their vast property holdings with which to sustain themselves.

Therefore, to prevent a rebellion from an increasingly aware host of servant-worthy upstarts, the besieged rich squeeze middle-class collaborators out of the more lucrative jobs, replacing their functions with automated scanners and service centers in Mumbai. To ensure that no future threats arise from an educated mass of potential infiltrators, they evac the dream of a college education to such high ground that few can expect to reach it. Furthermore, the most daring warriors for the desperate cause of the rich develop ingenious tactics to overcharge for health insurance, overcharge for medical services, overcharge for home ownership, and overcharge for utilities. These heroes are so diligent about defending the provinces of the rich, they take time off only to award themselves mind-boggling bonuses, another house or two in war-ravaged terrain such as Vail or the Hamptons, and to up-grade their yachts.

Ultimately, the Democrat horde is driven back. Routed! Blown off the beach by superior strategies and, of course, a shitload of money. The war never really ends, though. As the rich have known all along, it has never been a fight over words or statistics or politics. The only thing that matters in class warfare is that by whatever means necessary, their side comes out of it with even more wealth than what they had when it started so long ago.

And to make certain it always stays that way, the rich field a campaign designed to convince an army of rabble that there are no class distinctions in America, that everyone has an equal opportunity to get what they, the rich, have worked for so hard--not counting what they inherited. Such an absurd notion doesn't work on everyone. But it keeps enough of the easily distracted distracted, slaving away for a nonexistent chance to grasp an unreachable ring, and by lulling so many into complacency, the rich can always rely on them for cannon fodder.

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