The Magnabulous Jester 

Red's be wantin' to talk

Bill Cope

"I's be wantin' t' talk, Cope."

"Holy crap, Red! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"I ain't snuck up on y', gull durnit. It were you what had y'r back t' me, sos it ain't my fault if y' din't see me comin'."

"Well good criminy. I don't normally expect I have to check out who's skulking around the neighborhood every time I take out the garbage."

"Maybes you oughter start doin' that, Cope. This is gotten t' be a dangerful world lately. 'R ain'tcha noticed?"

"So what do you want to talk about, Red? I thought you were still mad at me."

"I is still mad at y'. Y' ain't once said y'r sorry f'r firin' me."

"I said I was sorry I had to fire you. That's almost the same thing. And besides, I came to you to see if you'd be interested in writing columns on subjects I don't give a crap about. That's a pretty magnanimous gesture, if you ask me. How many other political columnists can you name who would let someone with the exact opposite politics take over his column space now and then?"

"Wull it's that magnabulous jester what I came to talk t' you about. D' y' still mean it?"

"Uh... yeah. I suppose. But I'd have to say it all depends on what subject. Do you have something specific in mind?"

"Dang shootin' I's do, Cope. It's that Ebola bug what I want to collumize 'bout. An' since'n you ain't said a word about it in y'r collum, I figger you mus' not give a crap 'bout it."

"Well of course I give a crap about Ebola, Red. But what am I going to write?... that I'm against Ebola? That I don't believe in Ebola? Honestly, how could there be any differences of opinion about Ebola? It's a disease... not a Republican presidential candidate."

"Wull I's got a few ideas 'bout Ebola what y'r main-strummed media don' wants t' talk about."

"Oh boy, here we go."

"Did you know there weren't no Ebola afore 19 an' 76. I looked it up on that Wickedypee place. First Ebola showed up in 19 an' 76. And what else happened in 19 an' 76, Cope?"


"Steve Jobs, tha's what! Tha's when Steve Jobs started up that Apple outfit, an' y' know what that led to!"

"I know what I think it led to, but I'm curious as hell to hear what you think it led to."

"The Internets, tha's what! And what did them Internets lead to, huh?"

"Red, I'm sorry, but I still don't see... "

"Email! Don' y' get it now? E-mail. An' then comes E-bays an' E-books an' that one they be advertisin' on the teevee all the time... E-trade. Then there's E-harmony an' E-bonics an' the E Street Band. Now we got E-cigarettes an' E-filing f'r y'r taxes an' somethin' called E pluribus onion and that feller e e cummings and E-coli. Folks are watchin' E news and readin' E-magazines... ain't none o' that was around afore Steve Jobs started that Apple outfit. None of it! So cain't y' git my drift yet? Eeeeee-bola? Huh?"

"So, you're saying that Steve Jobs might somehow be responsible for Ebola, since he's the guy who started producing personal computers?"

"There weren't no computer viruses back when ever'body din't have their own computers, were there? An' what's that Ebola bug? It's a gull durned virus, tha's what!"

"Red, this isn't making sense. It's like you're saying Ebola spreads through the Internet."

"Wull why'd they name it 'E-bola' then? Use y'r brain juice, Cope! It's as clear as it c'n get!"

"They named it after the Ebola River in the Congo, where the disease was first identified."

"Tha's what they want y' t' believe. But what I think is, there weren't no Ebola River until there was a disease they could name it after. Afore that, it was prob'ly called the 'Madahoochie River' or the 'Crocodile Stump River'... somethin' like that."

"Red, you don't have a lick of evidence for this. It's all just crap you thought up, isn't it?"

"Tha's where all the best ideas come from, Cope... when people think 'em up. We'd ne'er o' known Obama was really born o'er there in Can-ya if some feller han't o' thought it up. Or how it was the teachers' union what really blew up them big nine-eleven buildings. Or how it were them crazy ISIS fellers what Joe Biden talked int' kidnappin' that Malcaca Airlines plane what disappeared. Or how y'r buddy Obama stole the election by bringin' in illegal immigrunts to vote three an' four times each. Or how Hillary flew int' Bengassy herself that night, just t' make sure them ambassador fellers was dead. Tha's how come I know more'n you do, Cope... acause I can think up things you cain't."

"And then you put them on the Internet."

"Yup. That way, nobody c'n e'er f'rget I thought 'em up."

"You know something, Red? We shouldn't panic people with the idea they might catch Ebola off the Internet. But I'm willing to explore the possibility there are all sorts of other diseases that get spread there."

"You jus' tell me how many words y' want, Cope, an' I'll get t' thinking 'em up."

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