The Slackest Slate 

Ask Bill: Advice for the worried

Cope, you insane perv Weiner dope,

You suck and if there was anyone else to ask, I would not bother with a sicko sheep dip like you. But now that Tim Woodword has called it quits, there is no where else I can go to answer my question. Some of the TV people around here have got something called the Truth Platoon, so I called them up and asked them my question, but they said they were not that kind of Truth Platoon. I says, "Well what the hell kind of goddamn Truth Platoon are you then!" But she hangs up on me. So I have to ask you, much as it makes me want to puke to even think about the kind of libtard Barney Frank chihuahua snot you are.

My question is, why are the Republican president runners all looking like the kind of loser dopes you see in those movies about loser dopes with hangovers so bad they can not remember where they left their car?

What I am saying is: Why won't someone run who is neither a total zero or a Mormon so we can send Hussein Obama back to Kenya with his tail between his legs? I got nothing against Mormons, but that Mitt Romney out-Mormons even my neighbor from across the coldysack, who wears a white shirt and a skinny tie even when he cleans gunk out of his gutter. And besides, how do we trust a guy which can switch sides on an issue faster than I can load a fresh clip in my Glock. My brother Earl said it is like someone is standing out of camera view, operating Romney with a remote! And I said, "Yeah, Earl, it is just like that!"

There is something also about Michele Bachmann that I cannot get my mind over. I like what she says, but if she were to turn around by mistake and we could see one of those jelly looking alien parasites attached to the back of her skull, sucking out the brain juice and telling her when to blink and stuff, it would not surprise me.

There is some other people whose names I cannot remember, and Tim Pawlenty, whose face I cannot remember, and then there is Newt Gingrich, who is supposed to be real smart. Not that you'd know it by anything he says. But I wish Donald Trump was still running is what I wish. That would be the best day of my life to hear him look that Muslim Marxy in the eye and say "You're Fired!" But now that won't happen, not unless Sarah Palin wins, and then she would probably say "You're Fired!," too, because I am not sure she can talk very good unless she has borrowed the words from somebody.

So that is what has me worried, Cope you elitist piece of crawling Nancy Pelosi crap, that we will not have the right person who can beat Obama. How can that be? Why are all the big dogs like Jeb and Perry and that Christie honker decided not to run? And do not be thinking I will believe your answer. I have not believed you ever before, and I am not about to start now. --Dick from Melba

Dear Dick from Melba:

So nice of you to think of me, even if what you think of me seems to be somewhat downwind from fresh cat poop. And as I'm certain that you're going to hate what I have to say on this matter, it's such a relief that you're not going to believe it, anyway.

Ah yes ... the big dogs of the Republican Party. Jeb, the Bush boy who always seemed so normal when standing next to his brother. And Chris Christie, the first manatee-American to be considered seriously as presidential material. And of course, Rick Perry, or as I call him, "Rod Blagojevich South," as Rick and Rod appear to have ordered their hair cuts from the same catalog.

There are indications Perry may join the race, but you're right about the others. Along with Haley Barbour and Indiana's Mitch Daniels, all the great white hopes have declared their intentions to not run. And why is that? Are they so terrified of being the second man in history to lose to an African-American?

Probably. Yet I believe there to be another reason ... the ugly truth that you will undoubtedly let run off your brain like Coors Lite off a Simonized chin: There aren't any substantial candidates in contention for the GOP nomination because the substantial ones know what they're peddling doesn't work.

The evidence is what our country has become. After 30 years of privatizing government functions, exporting industry to cheap-labor markets, deregulating financial institutions, tax breaks for the rich and stagnation for the middle class, we are neck deep in the abysmal failure of conservative ideology. And the smart ones know it. Bush and Barbour, Christie and Daniels ... they understand there is no chance whatsoever that the same policies that put us into this hole could possibly pull us out.

But they have backed themselves into a corner, haven't they? Because of the dementia that has infected the GOP, candidates have no choice but to preach the radical gospel, or they will find themselves squatting out on the sidewalk with no party over their heads. Besides, they probably realize the truth in what economists have been telling us since the bottom fell out--that there is no end in sight for the unemployment and entropy, that even if Obama is denied a second term, it will be just as bad under the next president as it is now, and certainly worse if the war lords of laissez faire are allowed to pillage at will.

So there's that answer you'll refuse to believe, Melba Dick. It's much safer to stand on the sidelines and bitch that Obama isn't fixing the economy fast enough, isn't it? Especially when you know it might not be fixable.

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