This Trump Thing 

Creature from the black lampoon

For all of those bewildered souls who watch the Trump thing on their television sets, shake their heads as though to drive the grunting of his boorish beastliness from their ears and mutter to themselves in horror How can this be happening?... I believe I have the answer.

First, don't go to feeling like there's something wrong with you because you feel so perplexed by this whole weird, disturbing, icky, stomach-turning phantasmagoria. You are not alone. Be assured, there are millions and millions of Americans who feel the same way. If you, too, watch that noxious windbag and feel the gorge rising in your throat and the outrage rumbling in your bowels over the bullshit spewing from his perpetually flapping lips... if you, too, tremble at the thought you may have to hear his nonstop self-aggrandizement, his mean-spirited mockery, his abject ignorance and his outright lies for another 15 months, that puts you firmly on the morally correct side of the decent-human-behavior/twisted-mass-derangement divide.

Obvious to you and me, it is the twisted-mass-derangement faction that is driving the surge of this Trump thing. Without the hysterical stampede of a certain subspecies of vitriol-breathing, intellectually empty ghouls—commonly referred to as the "Republican base"—this Trump thing would not exist—at least, not in its present incarnation (i.e., the leading GOP candidate for the office of president of the United States).

Why him over all the other monstrous aberrations around which these walking deadheads might be a'flocking? Why not the repellant Ted Cruz?... the love-child of Joe McCarthy mating with a lipless lizard in a Purgatory reserved for the cold-blooded. Why is his recipe for toxic slime not attracting the ghouls?

What about Mike Huckabee? You'd think his pomposity would slake their lust for treacherous ambition barely hidden beneath a cloak of down-home piety. Or Scott Walker, he with his fawning eagerness to kiss the ring of his Koch overlords. Walker easily meets all the conditions of corruption, cruelty, conniving and covert fascism that are de rigueur for a modern conservative idol.

Carly Fiorina? Ben Carson? Are they serious? Or are they just auditioning for the vacant spot once occupied by Sarah Palin?

And Rick Perry! Hey, if it's numbing stupidity they seek from their candidate, why bother to look any further than Rick?

We can certainly understand why this shambling herd can get none of that feeding frenzy rush out of Lindsey Graham, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush and Rand Paul. Not only do those candidates have the demeanor, the imagination and the charisma of an assistant manager at an Iowa Wal-Mart, the only thing we've learned from any of them after a summer of campaigning is that we were wrong to think of Jeb as "the smart one." He just enunciates better than his brother, that's all.

As for the rest? It almost seems like a waste of time to make sure I'm spelling their names right. Is it Gin-doll or Shun-dull? Kasich?... is that a name or a skin condition? Christie, Gilmore, Santorum, Pataki... gack! Sounds like the supporting cast of an Adam Sandler movie.

Still, why Trump? Of all that potential for an embarrassing and catastrophic presidency the GOP has proffered, why are the ghouls prostrating themselves before this caricature of a human being? And please, don't say it's because "He tells it like it is." Ha! These inarticulate lumps can't even tell you what the "it" is that the Trump thing is supposedly telling them what it's like.

No, the answer is far simpler. The root of the phenomenon is that the Republican slate isn't a slate it's a mob, and I can't believe even half of them ever seriously thought they had a shot. Of the sitting governors, most if not all of them know they wouldn't even win in their own states, they are so unpopular at home. They're out fishing for a book deal, a new career speaking at fringy conventions or to worm their way into Roger Ailes' heart, because they know come the next gubernatorial election, they'll be looking for a new place to hang their hats.

I suspect the only reason the rest of them are in it is because, for one reason or another, they are currently unemployed. One never has to worry about having a roof over his head or some food in his belly when he's running for president, does he? It's like a welfare system for used-up politicians who have nowhere else to go.

The point is, 17 bland faces are far too many to throw at people who probably can't remember the names of the other members of their bowling team. So what have the ghouls done in response to such a swirl of sameness? What any simple-minded creature does when confused by the monotony of its surroundings: He focuses on the shiny thing. The thing that stands out, if even just little bit, from the dull uniformity of the choices before him. The thing that's loudest, flashiest, gaudiest, cheesiest, chintziest in the lineup.

It's a frightening spectacle, but there are far more people repelled by this Trump thing than attracted to it. So take heart, ye of discerning mind. What we're seeing is nothing more than the thing that glimmers at the bottom of the cesspool. The most obnoxious fart in a farting contest. Like even the beastliest of farts, it will dissipate and be carried away with the breeze.

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