Wink May 12, 2004 

A Bush-League Apology

The struggle to draw a proper apology for Iraqi prisoner abuse from President Bush continues. The Commander-in-Chief received significant criticism for not apologizing to the Iraqi people during a recent Arabic television address, and almost as much for apologizing to the King of Jordan (who, by the way, is not Iraqi) for "the humiliation" that occurred, rather than for the horrific acts themselves. Now, after everyone from Donald Rumsfeld to Tony Blair has made proper, unambiguous apologies for these American human rights violations, the President recently called a press conference to address the issue.

"I'm really very sorry," the President began, "that you're all such a bunch of major-league lefty crybabies. Ha! Thought you had me there, huh? No, really, this time I'm serious: I'm ... blorry! I'm sor ... ghum! (laughs maniacally)."

The closest that Bush came to actually apologizing during the conference was when he called Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld up onto the podium, made the diminutive man apologize again for his role in the scandal, and said the word "sorry" at the same time as Rumsfeld in order to "jinx" him.

"But Mr. Presi ... " Rumsfeld was quoted as saying before he was silenced by the President punching him very hard in the arm.

"Two for talking before I said your name!" the President yelled, "And two more for not covering this scandal up properly, you sissy!" To wrap up this historic press event, the president mirrored his earlier Jordanian apology by saying sorry to Russia for his mishandling of 9/11, to Nelson Mandela for the "hanging chad" controversy, and to the Quakers for the Holocaust, before shouting, "Good night, Wembley! We love you!" and leaving the stage playing an air guitar.

Rumsfeld: Fox Made Me Do It

U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's marathon interrogation by Capitol Hill legislators on May 7 was marked by several important revelations. First and foremost, Rumfeld's TV is to blame for his withholding of important information about Iraqi prisoner abuse from both the President and Congress for significant lengths of time.

"I can honestly say, without a doubt in my mind, that I was only acting as my favorite television shows indicated to me that a high ranking and mysterious government official such as myself should act," the hunched-over Republican replied to a question about his motivations. He added, "My particular favorite is that 'Cigarette Smoking Man' from The X-Files. That guy is so cool; it seems like he never has to answer to anybody! How could I not try to be like him?"

When criticized by Sen. John McCain, Republican of Arizona, for taking inspiration from fictional villains rather than heroes, Rumsfeld admitted the error of his ways. "In hindsight, I suppose one of those squares on The West Wing would have been a better model," he conceded. "But bad guys are just so much darker and more mysterious, you know? I've been practicing this whole squinty-eyed evil face for years, so it's kind of second nature to me now. Plus, I have all these special misleading phrases that I've been stockpiling for use in press releases. Those things aren't easy to write, man!"

When asked what he had planned to do with the evidence instead of reporting it to the President or other officials, Rumsfeld offered another screen-derived explanation. "Well, we were planning to stick them in that big warehouse, you know, the one from Raiders of the Lost Ark and The X-Files, where all the suspicious and incriminating stuff from the U.S. Government is 'stored.' I was horrified to learn that the place doesn't actually exist."

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