Wink May 26, 2004 

Kreme of the Low-Karb Krop

The low-carb craze has struck America's economy in what was long thought to be its least vulnerable organ: the doughnut hole. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, a national beacon of obesity for over 60 years, has reported massive drops in sales in recent months, prompting a 29 percent stock plummet and numerous lawsuits from investors. The fried pig-skin pastry known as Pork Rinds, on the other hand, has experienced record sales during the low-carb boom. This disparity has forced Krispy Kreme to release a skin-based treat of its very own: the Krispy Kuticle.

"I don't blame pork rinds for our downturn—in fact, I'm truly dismayed that these two marvelous products have been portrayed by the low-carb media as oppositional," declared a Krispy Kreme spokesman at a recent news conference. "After all, pork rinds and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts have so much in common! First and foremost, the number one ingredient in both treats is air, which contains no net carbs. Also, both products' second ingredient is pure unadulterated pig lard, brought straight from a sow's ass to your aorta by hard workin' Americans just like you. But with times as they are, we have no choice: Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Krispy Kroak, I mean, Kuticle."

The Kuticle, operating under the slogan, "Made out of disgusting herd-mentality animals, for disgusting herd-mentality animals," will feature an impressive .7 net carbs per serving along with 38 grams of saturated fat and 14 grams of miscellaneous additives. The skin used to make the chunks will come from an area on pigs known as "The Atkins Zone," a 3-inch patch directly under the tail which is thought to be extra low in net carbohydrates.

Late Night TV: Gay to Stay

In an unprecedented union of men and ideas, late night talk show hosts Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and Craig Kilborn married "Gay Marriage" itself in a small ceremony in Massachusetts over the weekend. One week after the state became the first in America to legalize same-sex union, the hosts, all of whom have devoted multiple minutes on each night's shows to making gay-centered jokes, committed themselves full time to homo-humor until, in Kimmel's words, "Low ratings do us part. In other words, probably next week."

"I figured the highly successful 'gay marriage' joke fad was over months ago, but Massachusetts saved my pasty Irish bacon," O'Brien explained. "Not only has my unique brand of subtly bigoted self-deprecating humor experienced a boom in the last week, but gay marriage jokes have also drawn attention away from my total inability to make humor out of the military brutality at Abu Ghraib. With this union, I'm looking to ensure that the good times never end. By the way, did you hear about Elton John? He and Richard Simmons and Cher did ... something ... oh my God! What have I done?"

In a related story, Richard Simmons officially separated from his longtime companions "pastel tank top and short shorts," stating in a press release, "Hellooo, I've never actually come out, people. And yet, 85 percent of the gay jokes on television are about me. I guess it must be the outfit ... maybe the voice. No, definitely the outfit." In his spare time, Simmons has been rumored to be seeing "Big Johnson T-shirt with cargo pants and a backward baseball cap."

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