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Following last week's release of a new Surgeon General's report linking cigarette use to cancers of the cervix, kidneys, pancreas and stomach, as well as abdominal aortic aneurysms, acute myeloid leukemia, cataracts, pneumonia and gum disease, American cigarette manufacturers have accused the government of simply "rubbing it in."

"When the original report linking cigarettes to lung cancer and bronchitis came out in 1964, we were pretty lit about it--get it? Lit?" said Philip Morris IX at a recent press conference. "Then, when they tossed in esophagus, throat and bladder cancer, chronic lung disease and chronic heart and cardiovascular diseases, we told the Surgeon General: 'OK dude, you've made your point. We're bad. We can handle that.' To throw something like 'cataracts' on the heap now is pretty gratuitous, if you ask me. He's just beating a dead horse. Step off, man!"

In response to Morris, Surgeon General Dr. Richard H. Carmona stated that if he was, in fact, beating a dead horse, it was doubtless because the horse had "croaked from any number of horrific cancers, an aneurysm, or because its cataracts had caused it to run into a fencepost."

Bush targeted by right-wing gays

After years of toil, including the humiliation of having a campaign contribution sent back from Bob Dole, the gay Republican organization, The Log Cabin Republicans, believes they have found a way to reach out to high-ranking conservative politicians.

"At first, we thought that lobbying, writing letters and attempting to organize meetings with public officials was the way to go," explained a Log Cabin leader. "Then we realized that what politicians really want are credentials to list on their Web sites and in their ghostwritten memoirs. So, to go along with his honorary degree from Yale, we have decided to make George W. Bush an 'Honorary Gay Republican.'"

The Loggers had already organized a gala event to welcome the Commander-in-Chief into their organization to take place at the North Carolina Republican's Convention in late May. However, after being informed by other conservatives that they were not welcome at that function, the organization announced that instead it will hold a pizza party at a Washington, D.C., Shakey's in hopes that the President will attend.

President Bush was reached for comment, but had mixed feelings about joining the organization. "First of all, my degree from Yale was not honorary," declared Bush. "That thing cost my family a whole bunch of donation money, and those books I had to read were all too real. Second, I'm not sure if alienating the majority of my voters is really worth a few more credentials--although I do love me some Shakey's ..."

Day After: warning or teaser?

The Day After Tomorrow, director Roland Emmerich's environmentalist fable about an ice age hastened by American negligence and an inept president, premiered to huge crowds nationwide over the weekend. However, Emmerich's message, something along the lines of, "Only you can prevent glaciers from destroying the Statue of Liberty," has not had its intended effect on all audience-goers.

"That was the coolest thing I have ever seen," shouted Boisean Jimmy Dumpinski after the Friday premiere at Edward's. "Snow in the streets, tidal waves tearin' up the inland--it's a total extreme sports paradise! Just like that bumper sticker says: 'When hell freezes over, I'll ski there too,' right? Man, I can't wait for that to happen!"

Local naysayer Shirley Shrew had a slightly different take: "That was the dumbest thing I have ever seen! The dialogue was awful and the whole thing was totally fake looking. That's not how it would be at all. I can't wait for it to happen just to show those idiots how wrong they are!"

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